3 min read
You might be thinking, “Woah, are you espousing theft?” to which I’ll reply, “Can you not use big words around me?”
Today, we’re talking about Aloe Vera: and I think I need to explain what this thing is.
Aloe Vera is a natural plant–and ingredient–you’ve probably had all over your body: you don’t know it, but it’s been lodged in many creams, sunscreens, and shampoos you’ve used.
Don’t worry: This plant is awesome. Some have called it a global panacea (a “cure for everything”); some use it for healing burns and skin ailments; some use it as in moisturizing shampoos; and some, like us, use it in natural colon cleanses.
But how do you get your hand on one?
Welcome to another episode of terrible tutorials that may or may not provide you any value whatsoever.
Tutorial #66: How to Steal Your Neighbor’s Aloe Vera
As is normal with any tutorial (at least our tutorials), we need to start with a definition.
Clearly, we have to define “steal.” That’s the only obviously-ambiguous word we’re working with.
1. To take something that doesn’t belong to you without permission.
Example: “Mom, the bully stole my lunch money again.” -Every day of my childhood.
2. To borrow an item indefinitely, for personal pleasure (usu. bookended with lying quotations).
Example: “I may have to “steal” your aloe because I don’t want to buy any.” -Your excuse after reading this.
Since you have a better chance stealing aloe vera than you do stealing someone’s heart (let’s be realistically sad for a moment), the following steps are like chicken soup for the kleptomaniacs’s soul.
1. Recon: Find which neighbor has the green stuff growing in their lawn.
We’re wading into some questionable territory if I ask you to hop someone’s fence to get some aloe. It should be in plain, walkable sight.
Let’s face it: exercise is too much work. Period. If you have to sweat, you might as well buy it on Amazon.
Anyway, use binoculars. I suggest ones you could buy at Walmart (because supporting local businesses is too millennial).
2. Grab some scissors: like the ones you cut food with.
Honestly, having aloe vera juice on your scissors is probably cleaner than using them to cut the processed stuff you buy at the store. Also, kitchen scissors are generally larger and more durable, which means you can harvest even more aloe from your neighbor’s plant.
You can use something like pliers or band cutters, but let’s not get industrial here: it’s just casual petty theft.
3. Go in for the kill (and wear your running shoes just in case).
You’ve eyed the plant; you’ve ensured no cars were parked in the driveway. You’ve ordered pizza to the address just to see if someone is home.
While crouching (optional: while wearing a ski mask), position the scissors at the base of one of its stems. This is vital, because if you kill the plant, you can’t keep free-loading from this same plant for the next 10 years.
Sprint away. You cannot experience the freedom of herbal theft by walking.
4. Use aloe in everything: you’re now a homeopath.
Create your own smelly deodorant with aloe. Craft your own shampoo with aloe. Knit a sweater with aloe.
Now all you need to do is tell all your friends on Facebook how homemade-everything is the best, and people who still use store-bought deodorant are earth-destroyers.
Know someone who likes or grows aloe? Share this with ’em.
*Disclaimer: Please don’t steal. This was satire.